Divorce is never easy. The only thing that is more difficult is dating after your marriage ends. This is especially true if there are children in the mix. You aren’t sure how or when to introduce the new love in your life to the most important people in your life. Timing is everything when it comes to the first meeting. But how soon is too soon? How late is too late? Hopefully these few hints, pointers, and answers will help make the rocky road ahead a little smoother.
Play the waiting game cautiously. This is going to be the trickiest part of the initial introduction. You do not want to bring a new person into your children’s life before the two of you make a serious commitment. Many times children of divorce are grappling with feelings of abandonment. What will happen if your little ones form an attachment to your new mate, and he or she also walks out of their life? This would be like pouring salt into a very fresh wound.
On the other side of the coin, you do not want to put off the first meeting for too long. New relationships are exciting, no matter what the couple’s age. If you allow your new love interest to fall for you as pure an object of desire, not a multi faceted mother or father, it can be a shock when that side of you is introduced into the relationship. You have to allow your new boyfriend or girlfriend fall in love with every aspect of your life; that includes your kids. If he or she walks away after your children are put into the mix, then it just wasn’t meant to be.
Even if the first encounter went well it isn’t time to hire a moving van just yet. Give everyone involved a little time to adjust. Plan a few fun group activities. Go bowling on a Saturday afternoon, or invite the kids along to the movie, but avoid bringing your new love interest to major family events or holidays. Christmas, especially, is off limits. It is a holiday for kids, and you should take this opportunity to keep that one special family day light and fun, not stressful or awkward.
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If things are progressing well in your relationship, and you are planning to take the plunge once again, make sure that your children know they still have a place in your new family. Encourage them to discuss their feelings openly. Be prepared because you are probably not going to like what they have to say. It will be difficult, but do not get angry with your kids for being honest. Instead, ask them how you could make the situation a little better. Many times children simply want to be heard and know that their opinions matter.
It’s hard enough to balance a fun and romantic relationship with diaper changes and parent-teacher conferences, but it is even more difficult when your new boyfriend or girlfriend wants to transition into the role of step parent. Allow your children adequate time to adjust to the idea that mommy and daddy are not going to be getting back together. Eventually, enough time will pass, and life will begin to take on a new normal.
Tags:
parenting,
dating,
children